Back to Writing

I have taken a long hiatus from writing.  When I lost my ability to speak, I lost my zest for the written and spoken word.  I struggled with God on why he allowed my verbal speech to be taken from me as it was with my speech that I was teaching others to write. After 4 plus years, I still don't fully understand God's answer, but I do know that he has provided me the acceptance to move on with life. Moving on has definitely been a big part of my life the last 7 months; however, I feel that it is time to unleash my words once again through writing. 

I struggle physically with the my ability to speak. It is not because I am shy.  It is not because I have a stutter, but my body has further relinquished my abilities to my disability. I am very accustomed to loss because over 41 years I have slowly watched my body lose abilities but then find ways to adapt. My inability to verbalize has been one of the greatest and most debilitating losses. At the outset, I was angry and depressed. I could not understand how God could allow me to be successful in my education and then allow my voice to disappear so that I had no means of using my education. I pleaded with God to edit this chapter of my life; I prayed for a miracle. But God had other plans.

I would love to write that I received my miracle of voice restoration.  However, my voice is still poor to nonexistent some days.  But God has given me the grace to adapt and move forward in life.  Yes, I still have days where I wish I could be more of a participator in life rather than just an observer.  But observing has taught me a lot about people and conversations. 

I have noticed that people are oftentimes so quick to verbalize their thoughts and opinions that they don't take the time to think about the impact of their spoken words. People are uncomfortable with silence in a conversation; they would much rather fill the void with meaningless chatter than having a few moments to compose their thoughts into meaningful words. I will be the first to admit that I was guilty of these things too when I talked. My mom always teased that I was born talking; I remember having to be told to be quiet at times because I would dominate conversations or forget what I was doing. 

Today, I am forever grateful for those days when I could express myself with ease. Expressing myself these days is time consuming, humorous and at times frustrating. But the written word gives me freedom once again to experience some of that ease of expression.  I don't know where this blog will take me, but I thought I would use it as a platform to provide a glimpse into my life... a life and love at my level.